Chapter 88

Spencer Simmons swung into work with a flourish in his stride. The weather was perfect, his boss was out of town, and he'd written to Heidi Ward yesterday. She always responded so promptly that he looked forward to her email today. He wondered if there was a way he could ask her to send a picture without being inappropriate. They both knew nothing could come of their relationship in this life, but he would like a picture of her. Until then, he would merely savor her words.

---

>To: Spencer Simmons
>From: Heidi Ward
>Date: August 7, 2010
>Re: Just to say hi

Hi Spencer,

It's so thoughtful of you to keep in touch. I am happy to hear that your daughter, Danna, is growing out of her problems. We often think something is permanent, and it turns out it was just a stage! I believe you were blessed that the only things Danna did wrong was to dress badly and listen to music that wasn't conducive to the spirit. So many teenagers go off the deep end with behavior like drugs, promiscuity, or running away from home. I'm sure Danna was never as far away as you and your wife feared she was.

I remember having some sharp disagreements with my mom when I was a teenager too. Now that I'm older, my mom is one of my best friends and I roll my eyes when I remember what a spoiled girl I was when I was a teen. Give it a few more years, and I'm sure Danna and your wife will be close friends too. The daddy-daughter relationship can be kind of tricky, can't it? I'm sure Danna knows how much you love her, and you two can be closer now that she's grown out of her bad attitude.

My parents are in good health, thanks for asking. I do get to see my nieces and nephews a couple of times a month. It's so fun to watch them grow up! They're too young to be in the rebellious teenage stage yet, but I'm sure my brothers will go through some of the same things you've gone through.

And I have such good news! I've been meaning to write and tell you. I've met someone. A mutual friend lined us up. He's a widower with four children. His name is Stewart. He's three years younger than I am (a younger man! Can you believe it!), and we've been going out for a few months now. It's too soon to really say anything about our relationship other than that we like to be together. I've really hit it off with a couple of his kids, but the older two are a little more cautious. I completely understand. Their mother died two and a half years ago, and they're old enough to still have clear memories of her and worry about forgetting her. Stewart and I have talked about her a lot. Of course he will always love her, but it also feels like he'd be open to loving someone else too. I hope it's me! Only time will tell. I'll keep you updated. Maybe you can give me advice about parenting in a little while.

Have a good day,
Heidi

---

Spencer closed the email, feeling punched in the gut. Heidi was supposed to be his second wife, not the second wife of some guy named Stewart who had been lucky enough to have his wife die. If Heidi got sealed to Stewart, she'd be giving up any chance of a relationship with him in the eternities. It would mean she'd never really loved him at all. It would mean that Spencer had no one but Carly for time and all eternity. Eternal marriage had never sounded so bleak.

---

"Mom, I'm so sorry I asked you to come out earlier. I didn't even think that it would mean you'd have to miss Hannah's baptism because you'd use up all your vacation days," Maria said to her mom.

"I needed to come out earlier. It was good to have you and your family all to myself. You'll have Carmen and her family at the baptism. Your dad is coming too. When are Rita and Juan coming to visit?" Alana asked her daughter.

"Rita is coming out in October. By that time, Hannah will have been in therapy for about a month. We thought that would give Hannah some time to start talking about what happened, and she'd be more willing to talk to Rita by that time," Maria said. "Juan can't come out; he can't get enough vacation days to make the trip worth it. He'll stay home with the kids."

"This is more family than you've seen in years, isn't it? It's too bad it takes something like this to remind us of how important it is to rely on each other and keep those relationships strong," Alana said.

"Everyone is pulling together to help us, and it means so much. Just being able to talk about Hannah and what we need to do to help her has meant so much to me," Maria said. "You can't imagine what it was like when I was afraid to tell anyone. I've mentioned it to a couple people in the ward whose discretion I trust, and they've been so kind and supportive too. I wish I hadn't waited so long to talk to people."

"At least you finally said something," Alana said. "These daughters who keep things from their mothers, I will never understand."

"Oh," Maria said, flustered.

Alana laughed. "I'm teasing you, papi."

"Thanks for listening to me, even if it did take me a while to talk about it," Maria said.

"You are my baby girl. Of course I listen to you. You call me again tomorrow. You also email me pictures of Hannah and Brian in their baptismal clothes. I want to see them," Alana said.

"We will."

"I love you."

"I love you too, mom."

Maria hung up the phone. Now she had one more phone call to make, and it was also about finding people to talk to about the problems she couldn't carry alone. She punched in the numbers and listened to the phone ring.

"Hello, LDS Family Services."

"Hi, I looked up the addiction recovery meetings on the Church website and it said to call and make sure the meeting time and place were current," Maria said.

The person who answered the phone asked which city she lived in, and then read her the address that she'd gotten off the website.

"They have a support group for the spouses, right? Is it okay if I come without my husband? He's working with a private therapist. He's making a lot of progress, but sometimes," Maria trailed off.

"Of course you can come."

"Thank you," Maria said, and hung up. The chance to lose herself in Hannah's needs had given Maria something solid to do, and a way to put the other problems she faced on the shelf for a time. She was a mother; she could throw herself into rescuing her daughter with her entire heart and soul.

Now that they had therapy and support in place for Hannah, Maria had to turn her attention to the problem she didn't know how to handle. She knew Brian was making a Herculean effort to quit pornography. She knew he wasn't entirely to blame for starting to use pornography. She knew he felt bad about it. She knew she needed to forgive him and learn to trust him again. She knew all those things, and it didn't affect her feelings one bit. She felt betrayed, shaken, used and inadequate.

Did his secret pornography addiction affect the priesthood ordinances he'd performed for their family over the years? She kept trying to convince herself that her deepest concerns were about the spiritual impact of his pornography addiction. If the biggest issue with his pornography use was his worthiness to exercise his priesthood, then she didn't have to think about its affect on her as a woman.

Was he thinking about her all those times they'd made love over the years, or fantasizing about a woman from the computer screen? Did he secretly sneer at her efforts in bed? She wasn't drunk, airbrushed, getting paid to pretend she liked something, or taking directions from a choreographer. He probably thought she was a pathetic prude in bed. She hadn't worn her favorite lavender negligee since finding out he looked at porn. She used to think it was beautiful, seductive and sexy. But it was probably a delusion to think that anything worn by a frumpy Mormon wife who was pushing middle-age would turn on a porn addict. Of course he had to fantasize about other women while she gave her body to him.

She loved Brian. She wanted to forgive him. She told herself she had forgiven him. And yet she cringed away from his touch. Then she felt guilty about telling him no. What if her frigidity drove him back to porn? But it was his porn use that made her want to tell him no all the time. How would she ever regain her sexual self-confidence? She couldn't compete with those online women, and didn't want to humiliate herself by trying. Could she fight for her marriage without trying to outdo a porn actress?

It was so much easier to be a mother than it was to be a wife. She hoped that the spouse's support group would help her find a way to be Brian's wife again. She was looking for other women to talk to because she still couldn't talk to Brian. Even before Hannah's bombshell monopolized all their conversation, talking about Brian's porn use had been off-limits. She didn't know if telling him her feelings would help or hurt. He was working so hard, but she still never quite trusted his reactions.

Besides, he was dealing with heavy fall-out from his family. He wasn't talking about that either. They'd never talked about the big issues in their marriage, and they still weren't talking about them as much as Maria needed. She was going to this support group, and she was going to talk. She didn't care how Brian felt about it, or even if she was going to tell him.

---

Danna bounced into Maria's car that evening on their way to their weekly Frosty meeting.

"You look happy," Maria said.

"I've been over at Brandon and Amanda's. They've got mountains of baby stuff all over their house. It's pretty funny watching them," Danna said.

"Do you get to hold the baby?"

"I'm not really into babies. They smell funny and don't do anything. I like them once they get older."

"It will be different when you're holding your own baby. You'll love the way she smells, and it will surprise you how many things she can do, even as a newborn," Maria said. "You end up watching them sleep, just to see all the things they do."

"Nope, no babies for me," Danna said, and laughed.

"You just wait," Maria warned her playfully.

"Think whatever you want," Danna said.

"Give it a few years. You'll want kids someday," Maria said.

"Not a chance. I've been so happy since I gave up the idea of being a Mormon and having a family. No way am I going to volunteer for that guilt trip again. I'll hold someone else's baby once every few years. That will be more than enough," Danna said.

Maria looked at her, hoping that what she planned tonight would make a difference.

They pulled into Wendy's and got their Frosties. Danna updated Maria on the latest stories she'd heard from Tranquilla, the front desk receptionist at her job.

"Her son actually finished his court-ordered treatment. Tranquilla is really hoping he can stay clean this time. She's worried he won't ever be able to find a decent job, though. With his police record, he's not exactly someone you want to hire. She's all freaked out he'll start selling drugs just to get money. That would be a really dumb thing to do, but Tranquilla says her son has never been all that smart," Danna said.

"Poor Tranquilla. It must be hard to love your son that much and watch him make poor choices," Maria said.

"Yep, kids are nothing but heartache and regret."

"Children are also a lot of joy. Parenthood is hard, but it's worth it."

"You're right," Danna said seriously. "I'm sure my mother thanks Heavenly Father every day that I'm her daughter." Then she burst out in derisive laughter.

Maria wanted to say something in defense of Carly Simmons, simply because she was a mother too. But thoughts of Peggy Anderson, her mother-in-law, stopped her instinctive words. Finally she said, "a mother can fail her child, and still love the child."

"And that makes it all right?" Danna demanded.

"Well, no," Maria said in a small voice, "but it means the mother hurts too."

Danna snorted. "Not my mother. My mother doesn't have feelings. And even if she did, I wouldn't care."

Maria took a slow spoonful of Frosty, without any idea of what to say. So that's what she said. "I wish you were talking to someone who knew what to say."

"Are you kidding? Then you'd be just like everyone else and I wouldn't want to talk to you at all," Danna said.

"I used to always know what to say."

"At least you grew out of that stage," Danna said.

"It was a nice stage," Maria said. "I liked thinking I knew all the answers and how to fix everything." Then she laughed because it was true and she knew she couldn't go back to that stage. She bit her lip.

"Yeah, self-delusion is great, isn't it?"

"Sometimes, yes, it is," Maria said. "You learn a lot more once you admit you don't know all the answers, though."

"And once you quit hanging around people who insist they know all the answers," Danna added.

"Who are you hanging around with now?" Maria asked.

Danna shrugged. "People like Tranquilla, and Amanda and Brandon. They're not always telling me what to do."

Maria was tempted to ask Danna what she was doing differently now, but she didn't want to push her into doing something unwise simply to prove that she could do it. Instead, she changed the subject. "Do you remember what I asked you last week?"

"Something about a lesson," Danna said.

"Yes. I wanted to ask your opinion about a way to teach the law of chastity in a way that would be more helpful. Can I show you what I came up with?"

Danna shrugged.

Maria took that as an affirmative, and pulled small pictures of the temple out of the bag she'd brought. She explained at length that bodies and people are like temples because the spirit of the Lord can dwell in them. Danna kept methodically eating her Frosty without doing anything besides grunting occasionally.

When Maria scribbled on a picture of a temple and compared a sexual assault to vandalism, Danna finally interrupted her.

"You're talking like that's a bad thing. It might do the temple some good if someone spray-painted graffiti on it. Then it wouldn't think it was so pure and holy that it wouldn't allow anyone in unless they're just as pure and holy. It's just a building. I don't see why it thinks it's too good for normal people. Temples are self-righteous snobs." Danna giggled at her own outrageous statements.

If Danna intended to throw Maria off-balance, it worked. Maria tried to stammer out a course correction. This was her beautiful, inspired object lesson that emphasized God's love, and Danna was mocking it. "Temples are a symbol of purity. They're the place where we can draw closer to God than anywhere else on earth."

"Can I borrow your Sharpie?"

Maria handed it to her. Danna took the picture that Maria had already written on and added "SO DO I" under Maria's scrawled, "I HATE YOU." She flipped it back across the table towards Maria.

"Temples are where we learn that if you're good enough, you have to spend all eternity with your family. I'm not doing it. I'm going to be free of my family, and that means getting as far away from God, temples and families as I can," Danna said.

"But Danna, can't you imagine a family that loves and accepts you for who you are? Can you imagine the joy of being with people like that for all eternity? That's what the temple stands for. That's what Heavenly Father promises us," Maria pleaded.

"That's what it means for you," Danna said. "I didn't get born into a family like that. And in case you haven't noticed, my mom is perfect. She keeps all her covenants perfectly – she goes to Church, reads her scriptures, pays her tithing, keeps the Word of Wisdom, magnifies her calling to the point where people think she's obnoxious, and goes to the temple every month. She's like the perfect Mormon poster child, and she's going straight to the celestial kingdom. My only chance to not be stuck with her for eternity is to make sure I don't go to the celestial kingdom. I'm for sure not going there," Danna said, pointing at the temple.

"Christ is the judge of who goes to the celestial kingdom. You can't guarantee yourself a spot by checking off a list of activities," Maria said.

"My mom must have missed it when they said that at General Conference. You remember General Conference, when they spend two days preaching about the list of activities that gets you to heaven," Danna said.

Maria was watching Danna spiral down into hatred and anger, and she had no idea how to rescue her from her downward slide. At the least, she would defend General Conference. "Of course the General Authorities teach us the practices that help us draw closer to the spirit. But there are also lots of talks about God's unconditional love, and repentance, and becoming Christlike. Those can't be put on a checklist."

"You think becoming Christlike isn't a checklist a teacher can write on a chalkboard? When's the last time you went to Sunday School? And repentance is totally a checklist. My mom taught this great Family Home Evening lesson on repentance once. And yeah, she had a checklist of steps. You know what her example of a sin was? Mom ran out of medicine when we were all sick. She went to the store and bought Tylenol on the Sabbath. You know, it's a sin to buy medicine for your sick kid, so she went through her checklist and repented," Danna said, loudly enough that people at nearby tables turned to look at them.

"There's a difference between going through a checklist and turning your life over to Heavenly Father and asking for his forgiveness," Maria said.

"Whatever."

"Do you feel that God loves you no matter what? You gave such a beautiful sacrament meeting talk about God's love just a few months ago. Do you still believe that?"

For an instant, the anger and hatred dropped out of Danna's eyes, and she became the girl who had first trusted Maria, the one who was hurting and still reaching out for help. Then the pain and vulnerability disappeared behind the mask again.

Danna shrugged.

"Was that a yes or a no?"

"It means it's none of your business."

Maria sat quietly, eating her Frosty and pleading for God to tell her something to say to Danna that would make a difference. God was silent.

After a few minutes, Danna asked Maria a question about the upcoming school year. Maria replied. They woodenly talked about school for a few more minutes before leaving.

---

Later that night, Maria prayed in bewilderment. Heavenly Father, I couldn't help her. I've been thinking that she was the reason I was Young Women's President, and that being able to help her was one of the good things that could come out of the terrible events in my own family this past year. I wanted to make a difference in her life. Did I do her any good at all?

Maria waited for a warm feeling to tell her that she had indeed planted seeds that would eventually turn Danna around. But instead, only a fragment of scripture drifted into her mind.

I have graven her on the palms of my hands.