Chapter 90

Brian's father-in-law, Eliott Barrera, was hovering. He had arrived a few hours ago, after the day-long drive from California. Hannah had already asked him if he would confirm her after her dad baptized her tomorrow. He'd said it would be an honor.

Then he shook Brian's hand and even hugged him. Brian was sure that his mother-in-law had told her husband everything that Maria had told her, which was every personal problem that Brian would have preferred to keep secret. Part of him understood that Maria had simply needed to talk to someone, but most of him wished she'd picked someone outside the family. Brian had an aversion to family members knowing personal things about him. And he didn't know how to handle a father-in-law who clearly wanted to be supportive, but just as clearly didn't know how to offer that support. Brian smiled stiffly and avoided being alone with him.

He only had one hour left before his appointment with the bishop, which was Brian's other problem right now. Brian hadn't thought to make sure that he was worthy to baptize Hannah. Maria brought up the issue and made the appointment for him.

"Noah! Let's go see if there are any more tomatoes in the garden," Brian said, looking for a reason to get out of the house and away from the awkward situation with his father-in-law. There was a break in the steady rain that had been coming down most of the day.

"Yeah!" Noah shouted, jumping up from his Legos. "Let's go, grandpa!"

Well, that didn't work, Brian thought as the three of them went out into the backyard. Noah grabbed a bucket off the patio and ran ahead of the adults to find some red tomatoes. The grass squished beneath his feet. The adults stepped carefully around the puddles of standing water in the lawn.

"Has it been raining long?" Eliott asked.

"Off and on for several days," Brian answered. "It isn't the cloudbursts we usually get this time of year. This has been a hard, steady soak."

Rather than continue the conversation about the weather. Eliott cleared his throat nervously, and scratched his head as the two of them were alone for the first time since he had arrived.

Brian glanced at him and felt like a fool for avoiding him. Awkward or not, his father-in-law wanted to be kind, and Brian should stop making it difficult. "You probably know more about me than you ever wanted to know, huh?" Brian said.

Eliott cleared his throat again. "I know you have some hard things in your past, and more hard things in the present. But I think I know you well enough to be confident you can overcome all of it. The Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle."

Brian watched Noah pick tomatoes. A wasp buzzed in the late summer air. The gardens smelled of mud and ripe things. "Sometimes I'm not so sure of that," he said.

"Trust the Lord. He won't give you anything you can't handle," Eliott repeated.

"That's right," Brian agreed, rather than press the point. He knew his father-in-law meant to be encouraging, but the reassurance made him feel isolated instead, as if he were the only one who had ever felt this overwhelmed. The thought of trying to hang on to recovery by his fingernails every day for the rest of his life frightened him. He knew it was only a matter of time before he slipped up again.

"Look at how many tomatoes we have," Noah said, hefting the bucket to show his grandfather.

"You're a fine gardener," Eliott said, taking the heavy bucket from Noah.

"Let's go show mom!"

"Good idea," grandpa said.

Brian followed them back into the house, where he excused himself to go change into a white shirt and tie for his meeting with the bishop.

---

Brian chatted with Brother Emery until the bishop finished his previous interview. He was only running twenty minutes behind. The bishop shook Brian's hand and ushered him into his office, inviting him to take a seat.

After an opening prayer, the bishop asked him how things were going.

"Pretty well," said Brian. "Things with my parents and sisters are pretty tense, but nothing I can't handle. We've talked to the therapist who will be working with Hannah about what to expect, and we feel good about her. Hannah is excited about getting baptized. Some of Maria's family is in town for the baptism. She's got a good family."

"That's good to hear. How are things going with your personal challenges?"

"I'm doing better than I would have expected six months ago. I've still got a long ways to go, but when I look at where I came from, I've made a lot of progress."

"Have you been looking at pornography since the last time we talked?" the bishop asked.

The last time Brian talked to the bishop was when he'd gotten a blessing before starting therapy. "Yes. Four or five times. I rationalized that it was all right once in a while. I had an experience, though. It was pretty incredible. I felt like I was shown the real cost of using porn, and I felt Christ taking my sins from me. I haven't used porn since then, and I've recommitted to never using it again."

"What steps are you taking to keep that commitment?"

"Whatever seems to work. My therapist has had some good suggestions. Conflict with my parents and sisters always brings up the temptation. Praying to forgive them and have charity for them lessens the temptation to the point where I don't act on it. Other times I remind myself about what it felt like to be forgiven."

"Are any of your family members here for Hannah's baptism?" Bishop Bones asked.

"No. Maria told you that Hannah was molested by my nephew, right? That's caused a lot of turmoil in the family. It's not a good situation right now. When my mom suggested she and dad fly out, I told them not to come. I wanted Hannah's baptism to be peaceful and spiritual," Brian said.

"That must have been a difficult decision," Bishop Bones said.

Brian put his head in his hands and blew out a long sigh. "Yeah, but it would have been harder to have them here."

"I wish there was a way for you to talk things out with your family, Brian. Sometimes a hard conversation that gets things out in the open can be the beginning of a healing process," the bishop said.

Brian gave a short, sarcastic laugh. "You don't know my family. Nothing ever gets out in the open and heals in my family. The closest we come to healing is pretending nothing ever happened."

"Leave the door open for reconciliation at some point, Brian, but don't rush things," Bishop Bones said. When Brian didn't respond, Bishop Bones moved on. "I had another question. Have you considered going to an addiction recovery meeting?"

"You mean the Twelve Step program?"

"Yes."

Brian thought about it. "I've tried going before, but I couldn't make it work. Talking to my therapist has been all I've needed to help me quit."

The bishop nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. The Twelve Step missionaries and facilitators I've talked with frequently encourage participants to use therapy to address the issues underlying a pornography addiction. However, quitting pornography and repenting for using pornography are not quite the same thing. Quitting is a huge step, and I congratulate you. Quitting doesn't automatically close the distance that pornography has put between you and God. That's where repentance comes in. I like to think of repentance as closing the distance between ourselves and Heavenly Father."

The bishop took a piece of paper and pen and drew a line on it. "This first line is living close to Heavenly Father." He drew a second line that departed from the first line on an angle. "This second line that diverges from it is what happens when we sin. As we continue to sin, the distance between ourselves and Heavenly Father becomes greater and greater. When we stop sinning, the distance stops increasing, but the line continues moving ahead on a track parallel to Heavenly Father." He drew the second line straightening out and continuing parallel to the first line. "If we want to draw close to God again," and the bishop angled the second line back in to join the first, "then we have to repent. We need to consciously make the effort to close the distance that sin put between ourselves and Heavenly Father."

Brian looked at the lines on the paper. "I'm working on closing the distance," he said, putting his finger on the second line where it bent back to the first line. "The last impression I had after the spiritual experience when I felt forgiven was to bring forth the fruits of repentance. I've been trying to do that."

"What have you been doing?"

"Well, I've been trying to forsake my sins. And I've been working hard on forgiving other people," Brian said.

"Good." The bishop waited.

"It's been hard, though." Brian considered. He had been stewing and wondering about how to endure to the end. The struggle wasn't getting any easier. Some days he was sure failure was just around the corner. Joining a Twelve Step program, now that he had a better understanding of God's nature, might give him the framework he needed to make his repentance stick.

"I should do it," Brian announced. "I'll start going to the meetings as soon as Maria's family leaves."

"Glad to hear it," the bishop said. "Would you also consider meeting with me regularly to discuss your progress?"

"Yeah, why not," Brian said.

"One more thing."

"Sure."

"There is also a meeting for the spouses of addicts. Why don't you ask Maria if she wants to attend those meetings?"

"You think it would matter? I mean, I'm the one with all the problems. Maria is the rock in our family. She could probably teach those meetings," Brian laughed.

Bishop Bones shook his head. "The truth is that women are affected by pornography more than men realize. Your porn use has caused a distance to spring up in your marriage. Whether you can see it or not, I guarantee that your wife feels alienated and confused. She has her own healing process to go through. And just like repentance, you're both going to need to put in the effort to draw close together again." The bishop traced the trajectory of the second line again, with its divergence, straightaway, and eventual return to the first line. "Quitting porn means the distance between you two has stopped increasing, but you're both going to need to learn to draw back together."

Brian hadn't considered Maria's needs that way. He knew she needed him to quit, but he hadn't thought he would need to do anything else for his marriage. "What happens at the spouse meetings? They all get together and talk about how awful it is to be married to guys like us?"

"Not at all. They work through the Twelve Steps also, but with the program modified to address their specific issues. It's focused on coming to Christ, just like the meetings you'll be attending," the bishop said.

"I guess I can ask her. I don't think she'll be interested. Maria doesn't need a lot of support; she never has. She's always the one supporting other people. But I'll tell her about the meetings if you think it would be a good idea," Brian said.

"I do think it would be a good idea," Bishop Bones said.

"Okay." Brian wiped his hands on his suit pants. "Now about that question I asked you the other day. Can I baptize Hannah? Am I worthy?"

The bishop's gaze didn't falter. "Brian, I've made this a matter of prayer. You aren't under any formal Church discipline, and you're also not on informal probation. But that's only because we haven't been meeting and working through repentance together. Frequently, someone who has used pornography while renewing and holding a temple recommend goes through an informal or formal discipline process. Pornography is a violation of the law of chastity. You are not worthy to exercise the Melchizedek Priesthood at this time. You can baptize Hannah. Baptism is an Aaronic Priesthood ordinance, but you can't confirm her. I'm sorry, Brian."

"Could I stand in the circle while her grandfather confirms her?" Brian asked.

The bishop considered, then finally said yes.

Brian nodded. "All right. You know I confirmed Ruth when I was using pornography."

"That ordinance is valid," the bishop said.

"So I get a free pass for that one?" Brian said with half a smile.

"No, you'll have to repent for the hypocrisy of using the Priesthood while unworthy."

The half-smile dropped off Brian's face.

Bishop Bones leaned forward. "There's one other issue. A man who is not worthy of the Melchizedek Priesthood is also not worthy to enter the temple. Brian, I'm very encouraged by what you've told me tonight, but I need to ask you to surrender your temple recommend until we've worked through the repentance process."

Brian took out his wallet, found his temple recommend, and pushed it across the desk. "This may sound strange to you, but it's a relief to have you tell me that I'm not worthy."

The bishop's eyebrows went up. "That isn't what I was expecting you to say."

Brian shrugged. "I don't know if all addicts feel this way, but I've always had this sense of entitlement, of being different from other people, and that's why ordinary rules didn't apply to me. That was part of the way I rationalized my porn use; I was different. It's a relief to not be different anymore. The same rules that apply to everyone else apply to me. If I'm not worthy, you shouldn't make an exception to the rule."

Bishop Bones frowned thoughtfully. "That is an interesting perspective. You've just reminded me of a scripture." He thumbed through his Doctrine and Covenants, and handed Brian a verse to read.

Brian read: "That which is governed by law is also preserved by law and perfected and sanctified by the same. That which breaketh a law, and abideth not by law, but seeketh to become a law unto itself, and willeth to abide in sin, and altogether abideth in sin, cannot be sanctified by law, neither by mercy, justice, nor judgment. Therefore they must remain filthy still."

"Does that sound like what you just said?" the bishop asked.

"Yeah, it does. I don't want to be a law unto myself anymore," Brian said. "I mentioned that experience not long ago when I felt forgiven. One of the clear impressions during that experience was that I should bring forth the fruits of repentance. You can put me under Church discipline, bishop. I'll do whatever it takes to be sanctified by the law."

"Let's start meeting regularly, Brian. I want to hear your insights about repentance."

"Christ is my Savior. He saved me from my sins. I don't want to sin anymore, but I need help. That's my insight about repentance."

---

In the dressing room adjoining the baptismal font, Brian changed into his white temple pants and a long-sleeved white shirt. He left his bag with his dry clothes in the dressing room and walked out in his bare feet.

Hannah was already dressed in her white jumpsuit, with the elastic waist and long zipper. It showed her leg four inches above her ankle. Baptismal jumpsuits were always too short. Her long dark hair was braided to keep it from floating in the water.

"Come stand together," his sister-in-law, Carmen, ordered them. "I need pictures."

They stood in front of a plain brick wall. Brian put his hands on Hannah's shoulders. She looked up at him and smiled just as Carmen snapped the picture.

"That was priceless. Now one more looking at the camera," Carmen said.

Maria snapped a few pictures too.

"Give me your camera and go stand with them," Carmen ordered her sister, pulling the camera out of Maria's hand. She took several pictures of the three of them. "Ruth and Noah, you go stand with them too." Ruth and Noah joined them, and Carmen snapped more pictures on both cameras. "Mom said to send at least a dozen photos. Was anyone counting? Do we have twelve pictures yet?"

"Almost. You go stand with them too, and I'll take the next pictures," Carmen's husband, Jack, said. He pushed Carmen towards her sister and took more photos.

"Us, too, dad?" his daughter asked.

"Everyone in the picture!" Jack called, and his three children joined their cousins. "Now get closer together. Sunny, scoot in. Grandpa, you get in the picture too."

Giggles erupted as the cousins started shoving and piling on each other.

"Funny faces, this time," Jack said, and everyone pulled a face. "That's all. Now go back to being reverent." The laughter increased.

"Are you ready? The other ward just finished," Sister Martensen, the Primary President, asked as she came down the hall.

Brian took Hannah's hand. "Let's go."

The giggles dropped off as the family walked to the Primary room and filed in. Several ward members were already there. The folding doors at the back of the room were opened, showing the full baptismal font. The angled mirror over the font gave a clear view of the water in the font lapping gently.

Brian and Hannah took their seats on the front row and listened to the pianist play Primary songs for prelude music.

"Dad?" Hannah whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Do I have to get baptized today?"

"You're all ready to be baptized. Why do you want to wait?" Brian asked.

"In case I do something wrong later," Hannah whispered. "How come I get baptized just as I'm old enough to start doing things wrong? Shouldn't I wait until I'm old enough that I'm all done doing bad things?"

"Well," Brian started. The Fourth Article of Faith stated that repentance preceded baptism, and then you were baptized for a remission of sins. But Hannah had barely reached the age of accountability. She didn't have any sins to repent and remit. Mormons didn't baptize infants because they were without sin. An eight-year-old didn't have any sins either. She stood on the brink of sins and responsibility.

"Baptism is a promise, Hannah. Heavenly Father promises to forgive you when you repent for doing anything wrong for the rest of your life. He doesn't expect you to never commit a sin. You get baptized so you know Heavenly Father already promised to forgive you. That way you won't ever be afraid to admit you did something wrong and repent," Brian said.

"Everything I do wrong?" Hannah asked.

"Everything."

"Even the things I haven't thought of yet?" Hannah pressed.

"Even those things."

"How can he do that?"

"Heavenly Father doesn't pay much attention to time. He sees everything at once. He already knows he's going to forgive you when you repent, no matter what you do wrong," Brian said.

"Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Is repenting hard?"

"Yes."

"I've never repented, dad. Are you going to teach me how?"

Brian put an arm around her. "Yes, I'll teach you how."

"Okay, dad."

The prelude music ended. After a brief program, Brian and Hannah separated to go through the dressing rooms and into the font. Brian walked down the three stairs into the waist-high water and crossed the font to offer Hannah his hand as she came down her own stairs. He arranged her hands the way they had practiced in the living room last night, and raised his arm to the square.

The words of the baptismal prayer caught in his throat and he had to start over. As he lowered Hannah into the water, she smiled at him as she closed her eyes. It astounded Brian that she still wanted to trust him, in spite of the years he had failed her. In some ways, her trust frightened him. He wasn't sure he could be as trustworthy as Hannah needed him to be.

She hugged him hard around the waist after he raised her back up out of the water. He hugged her back. He hadn't disappointed her today. At least for today, he was a good man. He would worry about tomorrow when it came.