Chapter 94

The second time Brian came home, he brought Ruth with him.

"Mom!" Ruth shouted. "Dad wants you! He's outside!"

Maria stuck her head and her flashlight out the front door.

"Can you get my bathrobe? I'll leave my muddy things in the garage," Brian said.

"I can't open the garage door with the power out," Maria said.

"Oh." Brian looked around. "I guess I could risk undressing out here. It's not like anyone can see me."

Maria got Brian his bathrobe and a towel, handed it to him on the front porch, and went back inside. She almost laughed, but not quite, when the power came back on and she heard Brian yelp and dash in the house as the porch light turned on. Part of her recognized that something really funny had happened, but she felt so morose that even her smiles felt fake.

Brian came in laughing. "Murphy's Law guaranteed that the power would come back on right at that moment!" Her father laughed with him.

"I'm going to put these in the washing machine," Brian said, waving a towel full of clothes.

"Did you put it on the heaviest cycle with the second rinse?" Maria asked him when he came back from the laundry machine.

"Yes, and added extra detergent," he said.

"Dad rescued Brother Benton!" Ruth said. "He, like, had to carry him into the house and he was almost fainting with the pain. Jayden was all, like, jumping on him, and then . . ."

"Why don't you let your dad tell the story?" Maria snapped.

Ruth faltered and fell silent.

Brian ruffled Ruth's hair. "That's about all that happened. Jason was up on the hillside. Kevin Daley got him out of the mud and we brought him home. Brandon looked at his knee and said he'll be okay. He's probably going to hurt for a week or so. Maybe Ruth and Abby can go help out with Jayden and Carson after school for the next few days."

"Yeah, we can do that!" Ruth said.

"All right. That's great. Is everything else okay?" Maria asked, feeling guilty about being snappy.

Noah came down the stairs in his Mater pajamas. "Mom, my lights turned on."

"Oh, they did. Let's go get you back to bed," Maria said. She left Ruth and Brian downstairs talking to her father about the evening.

After tucking Noah back in, she looked in Hannah's room. She was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful. It tore at Maria's heart. She sat down on the edge of Hannah's bed, reaching out to stroke her hand. Tears started leaking out of her eyes. She hadn't even known that she wanted to cry.

Hannah's baptism had been so sweet. Her fresh-faced little eight-year-old in her new white dress with the satin sash and lace edging; the way she clung to Brian's hand; her damp, combed hair under the weight of all those hands on her head as they confirmed her a member of the Church and told her to receive the Holy Ghost. Maria had felt so much peace and hope. And now she was sobbing.

She walked softly out of Hannah's room and shut herself in the bathroom to finish crying. She didn't know how to be Hannah's mom, or Danna's Young Women's President, or Brian's wife. Nothing in her life made sense right now. But she needed to put on her happy face, or at least her normal face, because mothers aren't supposed to fall apart. She blew her nose, splashed water on her face, and went back out to her family.

Brian was recounting the evening. It didn't seem fair that he could have a heroic and dramatic evening after everything he'd done to her. She felt so guilty about being petty and jealous about an experience that obviously had been important and positive for him. She wished he was miserable. Except she hadn't felt that way earlier this evening when he'd left. She'd been delighted that he was going out to help a neighbor.

Wait ten minutes, and your feelings will completely change again, she told herself.

---

Several days later, Brian and Maria pulled up in front of a Stake Center. The early evening light revealed a parking lot with about two dozen cars. Maria saw a man carrying a book going into the Stake Center by himself. Behind him, a husband and wife walked in together, each carrying their own books. They were holding hands.

Maria got out of the car and walked ahead of Brian. She didn't want to hold his hand. If it wasn't for him, she wouldn't have to be here at all. Sure, she'd called and asked about the support group for wives of porn addicts, and intended to attend whether Brian came or not, but it was his fault she had to make that phone call. She should be home with her kids, enjoying a nice evening without any of the stress and mood swings that came along with finding out your husband used porn. Oddly, her emotions had gotten even more tumultuous over the months as Brian made progress towards quitting porn. He was getting happier, and it was making her crazy. He ought to suffer more, like her.

She should have made him come alone. It was the chance to talk to other women about her problems that drew her. If only there was one place where she could drop the façade and be honest, she could handle the rest of her life. Maybe the other women were here for noble reasons, like helping their husbands quit porn, but that's not why she was here. She was craving someone else's understanding.

They got into the Stake Center without holding hands, although Brian did hold the door for her. He looked at her anxiously, and she refused to look back. She didn't care if he worried. She was mad at him, and he ought to be worried.

They heard a burst of feminine laughter, and Maria looked around, startled. There was a sign on the door labeling it the Women's Support Group. But they were laughing. They sounded like they were attending an ordinary Relief Society meeting.

"I'll meet you here in the hallway afterward," Brian said, and continued down the hall towards another room.

Maria walked into the room, wondering when the wives of porn addicts would show up. These women must be friends or helpers who had normal, righteous husbands.

A tall, beautiful woman with a radiant smile approached her. "Hi, is this your first week? My name is Amy. What's your first name?"

"I'm Maria. Yes, this is my first week," Maria answered. "I've known about my husband's addiction since last December, but this is our first time at a meeting."

"You must be having a hard year," Amy said. "I remember finding out. My husband confessed he'd been using porn for our entire marriage. Two days later I was in one of these meetings. That was about a year and a half ago."

Her husband was a porn addict? "But you're happy," Maria blurted out.

There was a round of friendly laughter. "Not the first week!" someone else said.

"Well, I guess if it's just the one week!" Maria said lightly, and laughed too. And then her smile broke, her faith couldn't be happy anymore, and she started to cry.

Amy hugged her, and someone else pressed some tissues into her hand. "We've been there, Maria, we understand. You don't have to pretend it's all right because it isn't. But you're going to be just fine."